Friday, March 30, 2012

The Engagements

An engagement should be a wonderful thing, but when it is tossed at you in a way that feels hurtful by your own flesh and blood it really makes it difficult to feel good about it.

Since February, my 2 eldest daughters have both become engaged. Granted the first, was not raised by me and my feelings are not the primary ones of importance, but it still matters to me. Most certainly it matters that I was never told by her. Rather on her birthday a photo of a ring that looked nothing like an engagement ring was posted on the FB. What I naturally thought was a birthday gift from her boyfriend turned out to be much more. The worst part is that her biological grandmother, who is my very dear friend, called me and told me it was an engagement ring. Better yet, she told me that not only did the boyfriend ask her father's permission he also made a similar gesture  to her biological father. While I was left to hear about it through the grapevine.

Well, if that is how it is to be then so be it. I, the one who has carried the hurt the most for having lost that child to the selfishness of her biological father, have been shown my place. My place being nowhere and of no value or importance. To them all there is left to say is have a nice life, and in that life it is apparent I do not fit.

On Monday KC sent me a text asking me if Hubster asked my father for his "blessing" to marry me. I said no, because he didn't, (if he was going to ask anyone it would have been my mom in that time period of my life) and I said she better not be getting engaged. To which she only asked Why not? At this point I now know that my daughter has made an announcement to me in her usual ass-backward and most harmful way possible that she is indeed engaged, without ever having said so. I replied that we had already talked about it and I was not going to have the conversation via text. Still I held out the vaguest of hopes that I was wrong, but alas I have not been her mother for nearly 20 years for nothing and I read her like a book as usual.

I heard nothing more from her until today. She added the announcement of her engagement to the end of another unrelated conversation so that it seemed more like an after thought than telling me something she is supposedly excited and happy about. Well guess what, I am not happy and why the hell should I be? She KNEW already that I was hurt by what happened with her sister and even said she thought that it was shitty what was done to me. Now she is doing the same shitty thing to me and I am supposed to act like I am running in a field of roses in a love story movie. Screw that!

First of all, we talked about the boyfriend's impending deployment over Winter break. We discussed  engagement and she flat out told me she was not anywhere close to ready for that kind of commitment and that she didn't think that it was the right thing to do just because he was being deployed. She still has 2 years left of school plus she had also told us she possibly wants to go to grad school. Given the maturity of the conversations and how smart she sounded in them, I actually believed that she was finally getting some real adult common sense. Even her various posts seemed more rational, more honest, more true and more adult.

Shortly after she returned to school I began to think I had been played by her, when on Pinterest she began posting wedding and engagement crap like it was going out of style! Over spring break I asked about it and she said that yes, they had talked about it but she also implied they weren't planning anything any time soon. I even commented that I was glad to hear it for all the same reasons that we had discussed over Winter.

Well since there is no respect or consideration for me, my husband or the rest of the family, all I can say is she better remember that when next she wants me to pick up the pieces of one of her mistakes or screw-ups for her, because I don't think I will be so inclined to do so anymore. Maybe she can try relying on her bio-dad for a change -- HAH! We have reached an all new level and I personally do not feel very good about any of it at all.

From the moment of my very first pregnancy I have put the best interest of all of my children first, which is not necessarily something that is always easy to do. For my trouble I have been given the shaft on a very regular basis by my children. Hubster and I have taught respect, how to treat others and right from wrong. Obviously there is something severely wrong with me that I cannot manage to raise children who give one flying fuckola about me, and as to the first born I can only say that this must be genetic since the treatment is the same.

My parents will say I was the same way, but that only goes to provide further proof that it is genetic -- which leads to an entirely new set of questions and lends a completely different light to much of my relationship with them. (NO this is not an invitation for my parents to begin an all new round of the oh-so-worn-out point the blame to the other parent game) The difference is when I was about 19 or so I became an entirely different, more mature and more considerate person than I ever was as a kid. Adulthood and shortly after wards, single-parenthood brought a near immediate change in my personality and viewpoint of things.

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