Wednesday, March 23, 2011

In sickness and health...

When you get married, and if you say those words during the ceremony, do you ever really think of the impact they may have? I know that, for me, the ceremony and the words were all a blur. The only really important part for me was the pronouncement that my man and I were indeed now Hubster and Wife.

I was approximately 12 to 13 years old when I started smoking. When my oldest was 11, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was suddenly not a candidate for the future smokers of America club, so I really did not worry about her smoking -- still don't truth be told. I had quit six weeks prior to her diagnosis and was doing really well with that -- until the diagnosis. The stress and anxiety was too much for me and I needed to smoke. Now, I look at my 12-1/2 year old son and think that there is no way I can picture him doing anything as remotely stupid as smoking -- and he can pick some doozies when he tries... The maturity level of my son vs. how I feel like I was at his age are FAR FAR different!

Early in our marriage, Hubster said something very important to me. The gist of it went like this:
I will say this to you only once and then I will never nag you about smoking. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a long future with you. I want to have a life with you after kids are grown and gone. I want to travel with you to places we cannot get to now.

These things he said had the desired effect of worming their way into my head. Often they would return at odd and unexpected times. I quit every pregnancy after that and managed to make it a few days or weeks after having a baby. Unfortunately, I struggled A LOT in my motherhood and the stress usually got the better of me. In 2004 we had thought we were finished having kids. Our daughter had gone through chemo and was getting back to her life. Somehow, birth control had been neglected. I am sure you are shocked to know that I found myself pregnant with kid number 4! I quit smoking and assumed that I would be smoking again in about a year.

Baby C came along and afterward, though I struggled again with my life changing, I had an unexpected reaction to the smell of smoke. It made me feel sick during pregnancy -- every time so that was how I was able to quit, BUT this time it had the added benefit of sticking around long after the baby was born. To this day, 6.5 years later, I still get queasy around the smell and cannot stand to be anywhere near it.

Each pregnancy has it's own issues. I never really gained much weight with any of them -- the recommended 20 pounds, if that, was about it. My problem was and still is that I never lost any of it after giving birth. Don't misunderstand... I did try. I walked. I swam. I gardened -- a lot. I took jazzercise. I took riding lessons and had to do the requisite physical labor involved with caring for the horse as part of it. I ate like a bird and still plugged along with no change. I tried not eating after 7 p.m. and then tried not eating after 6 p.m. with no change. I tried goofy diets, and Dexatrim type stuff. No change. At one point, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and they put me on Zoloft. I gained 20 pounds in less than a year. I was switched to Lexapro and gained 20 pounds per year for the 2 years I was on that. I tried to quit taking the medications altogether but that had negative results in other ways and did not cause me to lose any weight anyway. My latest doctor switched me to Wellbutrin last year. I lost 14 pounds in the first 2 weeks! I was SUPER excited about that. Not that the weight loss continued, because it did not. Over the past year since, I have slowly inched back up to the weight I was before Wellbutrin. Not for lack of activity either. I was even in PT for a while and they worked me hard and I was super good about accomplishing all my home requirements. No change.

Some people ask me why I don't try Alli or some of the other fat blocker medications out there. I cannot take these, because I have no gall bladder. I would never leave the bathroom! It would be like living with a daily dose of colon cleanse. I cannot live that way and should not have to either. Besides that would be unhealthy for its own reasons. I don't have thyroid problems -- yet anyway, they check every year because my Mom has Hypo-Thyroid. I don't have a B-12 deficiency like my Mom either. I had a full blood panel done, no issues -- and was even checked for a Vitamin D deficiency and that was negative as well. No underlying infections. Nothing!

Hubster has also gained some weight since we married. Much of his is directly related to the torn meniscus in his knee. So far none of the orthopedists he has seen have been able to improve his problem and so he has pain which is exacerbated with too much physical exertion. On top of that he needs new knees, which there is no point in replacing if he cannot get the other resolved.

Needless to say we are a pair of rejects that need some solutions and are not getting anywhere with the medical community thus far. I told Hubster recently that I wanted him to think back to that day when he said those wonderful things to me about our future. I told him to keep those words in mind and know that I want the same things as well. I also said that I intend to nag about it for both our sakes. So, we now must embark on a journey. Somewhere out there, there must be a doctor who can help his torn meniscus and then his knees. A doctor who can define the causes of my weight issues and maybe then find a resolution that I can apply to my life.

I want to live a long and happy life with Hubster and he says he wants the same. So, in sickness and in health we will somehow find a way, I just hope neither of us dies trying, because that would ruin things for sure!

Editor's Note:
Some minor edits have been made to this post.

1 comment:

  1. You will find a way :) I struggle daily with making healthy choices and it can be so hard.
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