Monday, October 25, 2010

pieces of me

When I was a kid, I had a not so ideal life. There were plenty of good things, but there were enough unpleasant things to shape who I became as a child of a belt strap and a divorce, among other things. I was a kid who generally wished not to care and tried with all her might to prove that to the world. To put it bluntly, I was a Bitch with a nasty fucking (shocking I know!) mouth that rarely used editing and cared little for whom it may hurt. In my eyes, the biggest parts of my world cared very little about me unless I caused them direct embarrassment. I had friends who actually placed bets on whether I would make it past the age of 18! I wonder if anyone bet in  my favor, they could be rich! PAHAHAHA! I smoked too many cigarettes, drank more than my fair share of alcohol and slept at all the wrong times of the day. Through all of this I never got into doing drugs! I pride myself on that because the means and opportunity were most assuredly right there in the suburbs of late 1980's DC.

Circumstances caused me to be a bit more thoughtful -- for a short while. After all, a pregnant 16 year old is quite a bundle of joy without the additional bad attitude, so some of it was closeted in favor of what I thought was to be my future as a mother and girl-friend (I never had any inkling of marriage to J. At no time in our 4 year relationship can I recall either of us even bringing it up. That speaks volumes!)  Well into the pregnancy, after any option for abortion had passed by, we quite rudely disclosed our situation to our parents. To say no one was thrilled, would be an understatement. After all, my Parents had done the procreating teens thing already and were embroiled in an ugly divorce. There were 3 kids at Mom's house and a new one at Dad's -- YES my parents were still married and NO my Mom was not the mother. Why on earth would they be happy about it? J's parents were together, but their marriage was hanging by a thread as well and so they were really not thrilled to be grandparents. His Mom, B, at least felt enough sympathy for us to be willing to help us to follow through on and make work the decision we had made.

One day J's father told him words to the effect that he really didn't have to go through with this -- I was close enough to hear. That one conversation was enough to alter my future FOREVER! In the blink of an eye, J no longer wanted to be a Dad and from that moment forward, I was stuck. The only person who really stood in my corner through it was his Mom. She and I evaluated everything from all angles, including the possibility of her leaving her husband to help me raise the baby. After getting nowhere with my own dysfunctional family, I was left with the fact that B and I did not have enough resources between us to do it. At that stage we were faced with adoption. I was already so attached and an agency adoption had been thrown at me by my own Mom early on. That was unappealing on so very many levels! B had many clients, all of whom knew what was going on and once word got around there was a baby up for grabs, someone came forward to nominate a pair of parents from several states away.

Several states away... that was the only part of the whole thing that spoke to me. After all, I did not want to have to look at every baby out there and wonder. Would you? So, I went with them. Not to say I did not give due diligence to things. I quizzed them, I insisted upon meeting them and demanded from the lawyer a copy of the home evaluation report from the adoption agency they had registered with in their home state to read through. I was looking for every little thing I could to nix this thing. In the end there was no crumb big enough and they were damned nice people to boot. And so it went that we had a beautiful baby girl and I got a mere 3 days with her.

I spent the next few years in a haze of unedited anger, unrestrained attitude, severe resentment, many more poor choices and alternately loving and hating J. Most people, including J, did not even want to talk about the baby. It was almost as if the situation did not exist if it was not brought up. Only B would talk to me. Only B remembered her birthday to me and with me every year. My family was too messed up with divorce, new sibs and my daily bullshit. To say that they had enough on their plates and chose to deal with what they could would be accurate and fair. Admittedly, my Mom was almost always the one on the receiving end of my greatness. I would go so far as to say maybe she was not entirely equipped to deal with me and was already living in her own HELL.

At some point or other I got a real job and started to be a bit more human. I still made poor choices, just fewer of them. Not enough fewer to keep from getting knocked up again though. At 21 I found myself in the strange place of being an adult, out on my own, with a job and a decent income for my age, beholden to no one for my well thought out choice to have this baby. D was in no way useful in our situation. We had already broken off our relationship and he was embroiled in a divorce that was turning uglier by the day and already had another girlfriend. I gave him a choice very early on. 1) He could be a parent to his kid including support and all that goes with parenting. 2) He could walk away and never look back -- ever. Again you'll notice the topic of marriage is absent. There was no chance after the end of our relationship that I would ever consider it. D was given plenty of time to think on it and told very clearly that whatever his decision he'd better be 100% sure, because once I heard it I would hold him to it for life.

He came to me on Christmas day and told me he was in it for the long haul and even asked me if I wanted to try the relationship again, which eventually became a moot point when I found he still had a girlfriend! After attending a couple of my Dr. appointments, he stopped taking my calls, coming over and avoided me at work. I knew pretty quickly that he had changed his tune. I however did not. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and we started our life without him. The first business day following her birth, I set in motion the means to get child support payments from D. Boy oh boy was he mad! He thought I was trying to do him some damage or go behind his back or I really don't know what all... But I told him, you made a promise and I told you whatever that promise was I would hold you to it. I had to wonder if that was one of only a very few times anyone had ever held him to his word...

D did not make things easy. He fought it the whole way and then in the middle of it all, he knocked up his girlfriend and got married to her. All I could say was better her than me! In the end I got child support until K turned 18 in spite of him. He got another shitty marriage, another divorce and even more child support payments! 3 different women, 4 kids and all getting support!! Can you say JUST DESSERTS??? HAHA! In all those years, he saw K 2 times. Once at 4 days and once at 4 months, when he made her suffer through a DNA test. A 4 month old does not have a lot to give and the Dr. sat with tears streaming down his face, poking her every finger, toe and available area to get hopefully enough to do the test with. For that D will always be one of the biggest fucking assholes I ever met! Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for DNA testing, but the kid looked just like him and his other 2 kids. PLUS, he knew damned good and well it was his baby. This was yet another delay tactic.

Needless to say, my adventures in being a total fuck-up were pretty much over and I had to make some serious growing up strides. I believe that, all in all, I did pretty well. I was down on men -- as far as I was concerned they could all suck eggs! As with much else in life, when you least expect it something good comes along: enter my knight in shining armor, the love of  my life and now husband to the scene. What a man, what a man, what a man! And that my friends is a story for a new installment on another day!

1 comment:

  1. Nice one Momma, good to read your story. All's well that ends well :)