Today is my 40th birthday and I had a lovely day with my Hubster. We went wandering around the antique district of St. Louis and had lunch in an Irish Pub. Numerous folks left me FB messages wishing me well. My little kids made cards, my big kid and my parents all called me on the phone AND Matt gave me a wonderful surprise gift! Then I got a text from someone who was cleansed. Apparently she "struggled" over whether to contact me with birthday wishes, but ultimately decided to do so via text, because I was "on her mind" today.
Am I supposed to feel privileged...? I mean, I have talked about the issues since early September and I cleaned out FB on 9/27/2010. Who knows when she noticed it, but if it has been a while, she sure as shit did not feel compelled to contact me. This person told me early in our friendship that she wanted to keep things real in our friendship, particularly because we have such different views about religion and that was a big concern for me. I shared very personal things about that topic because I trusted that she was committed to the friendship. This same person has repeatedly let me down in favor of the needs? wants? desires? of others, sooo what? I am supposed to suck it up and take being dropped in favor of others... repeatedly?? I think not... I mean after all I am 40 fucking years old and I already told this person a long time ago that I do not play High School games. High School is over and has been since I was 16. I do not care about the drama and stupidity of it all in this age. Being dropped, let down, having my kid who just wanted to play a little after school be hurt for no apparent reason... it adds up to NOT being real in my book. I did try to talk about it a couple times, but the guilt trip of all the "good" she did for someone else was done with all the practice of a veteran Catholic mother, who has never been Catholic and never grew up using and being abused with & by Catholic guilt. It is truly difficult to fight the "goodness" of what she had to do that was so much more important than me. So, after the last time my kid had her feelings hurt once again, that was the last straw and I gave up. Maybe that is a cop-out, but I don't think so. After all... if this "friendship" was so important to her she would have LISTENED rather than talking over me when I tried to express my feelings back then AND she would have noticed and taken action immediately when I cleansed my FB account.
This person has made no effort to see what the deal is -- but makes contact on my birthday?? Why, on a day that is already goofy enough by default, would she choose to not only text me to say Happy Birthday, BUT that is was a struggle to do so? If I was that important, it would be NO struggle.
I replied and mentioned that I wasn't sure why she struggled with it but thanks for thinking of me. So, it was then that I learned that she struggled because she did not want to send a message and upset me, but since I was on her mind she went ahead anyway. I guess now she can tell herself she did the right thing with a clear conscious, but realistically -- today was not the day to tell me she struggled with it. I would not have ever taken the chance that I would hurt someone, upset them or whatever on a day that is personal and meaningful. That she struggled at all was hurtful, in addition to the already blatant lack of real friendship.
Whatever... Not my problem. You know how you treat people and ultimately you know deep down whether you gave them the true friendship you promised or if you fell short -- everyone does if they take the time to think about it.