Thursday, September 2, 2010

pity party right here right now on my blog

Well, I am still blogging. I really did not think I would have much to say... which is funny because I pretty much always have a lot to say! LOL! I invited my friends to participate in this experiment with me because I needed their emotional support and the balance that comes from having friends behind you the way only friends can be. Unfortunately, they do not appear to be here, nor do they appear to have even been here at all. A precious few of them have mentioned reading a couple times, so I cannot say it is a unilateral ignore, BUT there are significantly more who are not visiting than those who have/are.

Self doubt is not pretty and I do not wear it well. At the moment I am wearing it and it really is too tight and pinches in quite a few places. So, I have determined that with or without these folks that I asked for much needed help, I will continue along with this experiment -- pretty much alone, for all intents and purposes -- and see how I do. Maybe I will surprise myself, BUT honestly the funk has grown with this realization, and that is the exact OPPOSITE of what I was striving for here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will just blurt out right now that it is really fucking lonely both here and in the daily grind. It seems like I have been disillusioned about where I really stand with people. I am the not so very proud recipient of a serious wake-up call here.

For all the friends I have via the Face-Book world, and most I have known for many years, the vast majority that converse with me are people I hardly know or have "met" through mutual acquaintances.

Of course, if I had any damned clue why I am now a fucking pariah I could make an attempt to fix it. However, apparently where I am concerned, the extreme opposite of the old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies, and I am not even aware of what wrongs I have committed -- if any. More likely "Out of sight; Out of mind" is more accurate.

I guess the hardest part is that I am the type who will go to the ends of the earth for those I love and care for. Though I have not been called upon to do so for anyone for a while, I have serious doubts about being asked in the future for my support by my friends. Realistically, no matter how shitty it will make me feel I will still put myself out there -- even if I get stomped into the ground -- again. No I am not a glutton for punishment, at least I don't think so. That said, if you read the post from 2 days ago...  you also know that at least one person in my life has most likely exhausted her free passes. I have never had to get to that point with anyone in my life before, but this is family which makes it even harder.

2 comments:

  1. No pity parties! I am here and reading, even if I can't always respond. KEEP WRITING! You're good at it, and I like knowing what you have to say. I LOVE YOU!

    PS- The shed looks great!

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  2. THANK YOU! LOVE YOU BACK! MISS YOU!

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