This one will be a simple one: I MISS HOME!
I hate that we had to move away. I hate that we had to leave family and friends. I miss having a well known, deeply rooted support team at the ready with a place to go for a glass of wine (DK!) I hate missing everyone because it hurts, and personally I believe I have had enough hurting in my life. The suckiest part of that is...the hurting is not over. It is always lurking around the corner waiting to spring itself on me when I am not expecting it. Do I live in a constant state of fear of this? No, but I could see how easily one could fall into the trap.
Since the move, I have experienced little of the joys of making new friends. It has been a hard journey for someone who was always surrounded by friends. As A, my friend since 1st grade, can attest, it is not that we saw each other all the time, but the fact that if we wanted to see each other or needed to see each other we were able to. We kept up by phone most of the time when we lived closer, but now we don't chat much at all. I think that is my fault, whether with A or anyone else I have known almost as long. Part of me feels guilty for moving. Part of me knows that if I chit chat too much on the phone I will feel miserable for the longing that hits me after the call. It is hard enough to feel it myself, but while I am vain enough to at least hope that my friends are pained in the same way after a phone chat, it is not something I want to be responsible for. You could not know this, but I have to steel myself for phone chats, because I CRY after each and every one is done. It is pitiful, but it is because I love and miss my friends.
The midwest is supposed to be this welcoming friendly place where all are wanted. It turns out it is that way.... So long as you do not actually move here. Then you are a pariah! It gets worse though, because I have moved to the Bible Belt of America. Me... you know that girl who does not believe in organized religion or God and has a long life of shit that happened to have come to this belief. Well let's just say that you must be attached to a church here to get yourself in with the locals. So here I am the lone duck trying to fit in with a lake full of God loving geese. It ain't easy and I don't begrudge anyone their decision to have God in their life, but boy oh boy do people here not like my way of thinking!
The women I have started to make friends with here are mostly transplants themselves. These relationships are still in the early stages and there is plenty of anxiety about how to make them work as well as the ones I have back home. Although, I have to say that I cannot be sure that I was/am all that wonderful a friend. I like to think I so, but doesn't everyone? I moved and... I kind of have the feeling the tide may have shifted and yet I feel this way about ALL my old friendships so, maybe I am just... I don't even know.
Depression has played a huge part in my life here. Hubster and I made a decision based on a great many factors, which added up to moving 800 miles away from home and what we knew. As a transplant to DC, Matt had done this before, though not quite as far a distance as we went. He's paid dues with his family. He was younger and times were different, but it was by no means easier. There are penalties to be paid for moving away in ways I never expected. I am sure we will touch on these in the future.
So, how's that for the first bitch? Feedback please my friends and totally hop on the opinion wagon. We all need to know what frindships mean to each other in order to better understand each other... so maybe my old girlies can help me bridge the gap with my new girlies... What say you???